I listen to songs on the radio and read stories all about love—what it is and how it’s supposed to feel.

And honestly? I feel very confused.

If this is love, do I even want to be loved?

Is love confusing for you, too?

I’ve been sitting with this question for a while now:

What does it really mean to be loved?
Not just in theory, but in real, everyday life.

When I think back on those moments when I’m feeling love for someone, it feels like it comes from the best part of me- the part that’s kind, accepting, and doesn’t need to judge or control. I think of it as my soul. In those moments, I’m not worried about what I’m getting or what might go wrong. I just feel open and glad to be with them. There’s nothing in the way.

But that leads to a harder question:
What does it feel like to be truly loved by someone else?

And just as important—what doesn’t it feel like?

• For me, when I imagine being loved, it doesn’t include being controlled.

• It’s not someone managing what I think or feel.

• It’s not pressure to make choices that force me to play a role, be someone I am not.

• It’s not feeling used, or like I have to shape myself into someone else’s version of “acceptable.”

• It’s definitely not being punished, pushed away, or criticized when I fall short of someone else’s expectations.

That kind of treatment doesn’t feel like love.
It feels painful, rejecting.  Sometimes even harsh.

And yet, it’s easy to mistake that behavior for love, especially when it’s wrapped in words that sound caring or familiar.

How many times have we heard-or maybe even said-
"If you loved me, you would..."

I know I’ve heard it. I’ve probably said it too.

But when you really look at a statement like that, what it’s saying is:
If you loved me, you’d change who you are to make me feel more comfortable.

Real love doesn’t ask us to give up who we are to keep someone else calm or satisfied.

And that’s not love. That’s a condition. That’s a trade.

Real love doesn’t ask us to trade away who we are for someone else’s approval.

Just to be clear, this doesn’t mean we should stay silent when something doesn’t feel right. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is say no, take some space, or protect our own peace. That’s very different from trying to make someone else change so we can feel better, more secure.

Love doesn’t guilt or pressure.

Love respects both people - even when one of them needs to step back and take care of themselves.

Here’s something you can try:
Imagine someone saying to you, “If you loved me, you would…”
Don’t think about it in your head—check in with your body.
What do you feel?

Tension? Tightness? A heaviness in your chest or shoulders? Agitated?
That’s what feeling afraid often feels like.

Or maybe you feel open, relaxed, peaceful.
That’s what feeling loved tends to feel like.

When you tune in- what does your body tell you? 

I’ve come to believe that real love, true love, feels loving to both people.

It brings a sense of safety and connection.
It makes room for who each person really is.

So, when one person is demanding that the other prove their love by shrinking or changing... is that actually love?

Just something I’m sitting with.
Maybe you are too.