1 DARK
The Soul Within
It’s a natural human reaction to lay your hand on your chest when you feel something in your soul. I think about all that goes on inside our own human experience–the love, longing, doubts, confidence, self-worth, frustration–it all happens from our perspective and the unique lives we live, by choice and circumstance. I was looking at photos of my ancestors thinking about this, and my gaze landed on their chest, imagining them putting their own hand on it in a moment of aliveness. And suddenly I saw it, their vast, unique human experience contained in the universe of their perspective, just with a gaze upon their chest. We are all navigating this mystery of life. And though it can feel like a singular experience, none of us are alone in the mystery.
How do I find it?
Where do I need to go now?
2 DISCONNECTED
Seeing from Another Perspective
Have you ever watched one of those “eagle cams”? Where a camera is mounted high in the branches of a tree, pointed at an eagle’s nest so that viewers can watch the birth cycle and raising of baby eagle chicks. The first time I tuned in I felt like I was spying. When I noticed that 12 other people were watching simultaneously, new layers of spying were revealed. Here we were all peering anonymously into the bird’s nest, and we had no idea who each other was. I wondered where these viewers were in the world, what motivated them to watch, how long they’d been tuned in (A minute? An hour?) or even how they might be watching. Perhaps from bed, or sitting on the toilet. They could be at a dinner table checking out of a conversation or sitting in a restaurant alone. Who could know? Yet here we were sharing this real-life moment, at least the real life of the birds in the nest. The real-time reality of the viewers was a mystery that could never be solved.
My thoughts shifted to the birds and how they had absolutely no conception of this live 12-person audience. Not only that, but the camera was sitting right there. A foreign object mounted to the tree in front of their face–and they didn’t pay it any attention if they noticed it at all. How could they know what it was, the purpose it served, and what it was a portal to?
What could exist in our reality–sitting right in front of our faces–that is a portal to another dimension, one of which we have no conception?
Who am I if I go deeper?
What happens if I get lost?
3 TRAPPED
Receiving Love
I remember the feeling of my mom’s hand on my head. As a kid, with my head on her lap, finding comfort in sickness, getting my ears cleaned, or just taking a rest. There’s a tender warmth in this gesture, even when you’re the one on the giving end, rather than the receiving. It’s a small, relatively noninvasive act, an initiation of physical contact with another being to whom we feel endeared, like an animal or a small child.
While my mom was dying, our roles reversed. Just as she’d had done for me when I couldn’t, I took care of her basic needs. While she lay mostly in bed, we’d visit a lot, talk about things. One time when there really wasn’t anything left to talk about, I leaned down to rest my cheek on her stomach, and gently placed her hand on my head, just to feel it while I still could.
What’s my purpose?
How do I see myself in others?
4 EXTERNAL VALIDATION
Connected to the World
There are times when I move through the world with such a sense of delight and wonder, that no matter what I see, hear, or interact with, I am happy to be alive. These are the times I say hello to little birds, smile at the squirrels, and am moved to tears exchanging an earnest hello have a good day with a stranger. One might say this is confidence. I don’t think it is. Confidence, by definition, is a self-appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. During these times I am not so aware of myself as I am just flowing, meandering down the river of life, flowing around the protruding rocks, lapping up on the soft, malleable banks.
When I am in this place, nothing can get me. I feel love and compassion for someone that’s angry or rude. I giggle at the shallow simplicity of someone’s judgment of me if it crosses my path. None of this is about me, this world.
What do I need more of to connect?
What is getting in the way of my connecting?
5 WHAT IS WRONG
Riding Life’s Waves
Swimming in the waves at the edge of the ocean is like a lesson in life. Sometimes you’re just bobbing up and down as you ride the waves, which can be sweet, playful, or even boring. A big wave could arrive unexpectedly and crash into you, or you’ll see it and brace for it and it turns out to be no big deal. Once in a while you’ll see a wave coming and prepare for it, your heart racing and your breath pacing as you face it, and when it comes you are high with bravery, anticipation, and a little bit of fear. And somehow, you make it to the other side. It’s bliss as you catch your breath, squeal with delight, and play in the leftover bubbles. There are also times when the big wave overwhelms you and you might even need to take a break and get out of the water altogether to recover. Life is full of waves, and over time you learn that they will always keep coming, and there is always the other side.
How do I see myself that feels small and limiting?
What needs to happen for me to feel safe?
6 RULES
This Little Light of Mine
There is a light within us. Unlike the flame of a candle, the glow of a lightbulb, or the sun itself, this inner light cannot be seen with the naked eye. Yet we all acknowledge this light as a common truth because we can feel it–in ourselves and in each other. We talk about the light in someone’s eyes and we wish people “love and light.” Experiences “light us up.” We can feel it when it dims and when it shines. When it is steady, or lighting our way through the dark. I picture our inner light like a lantern that we each get to keep and carry with us, contained in our bodies. This light, however, never extinguishes. It’s proof that there is a piece of the Divine within each of us.
What is the next step?
What is getting in the way?
7 LIVING FREE
Being You
“If you block your unique expression, it will never exist. Keep the channel open.” - Martha Graham.
There are so many ways my expression can be blocked, and all of them have to do with what other people think. Expression is defined as “the process of making known one’s thoughts and feelings.” Making them known is the key. To exist is defined as, simply, the objective reality of being. So if our internal thoughts and feelings live only in our own internal universe, our expression cannot be. And that makes me wonder, are we really alive if we aren’t expressing? And to whom are we expressing? Through whatever channel that is - it’s the opening between our internal universe to the other universes in our realm: connection with each other, with nature, and with the Divine.
How does fear control me?
How can I understand this differently?
What else is missing in how I choose to live my life?
How can I open my eyes to what is possible?
How can I see and feel the Divine within me?
8 LIGHT
Taking a Chance and Connecting
I’m the only one who can hear my own voice in my head. I’m also the only one that understands my inner feelings and thoughts without having to form words around them. There are whole galaxies in my head: of experiences, doubts, desires, memories, worries, wonder. Life calls upon me to relay some of those thoughts at every turn–whether at work, socializing, creating, or simply ordering a meal. The second any thoughts penetrate the barrier protecting my inner world, they’re up for grabs. I could be laughed at, shot down, misunderstood, rejected. I could also be praised, helpful, successful, loving, and loved. The thing is, I’m never going to experience the latter without risking the former, and there’s never a guarantee for how it will land out in the world, outside of me. But there’s no guarantee for anyone else either, and what would life be if people weren’t sharing their thoughts and themselves too? How would we connect? Build trust? Love? The risk is inherent in the reward. And if a miracle is defined as fear changing to love, then we are witnessing miracles every day and in every moment of connection.
How can I feel safe?
What do I need to change in how I am living to live a happier life?
What needs to happen next to help me understand where I am right now?
How can I do it?
Who, what and how am I now?
9 NO FEAR
The Gift of the Journey
Life is a gift that we never fully unwrap while we’re living it. Often, when people are seeking the meaning of life, they talk about their “death bed” and how they might look back on their life from that place, knowing this was it—it was almost over.
I notice how when someone we know dies—someone not in our inner sanctum of circles—their death “puts things into perspective.” Celebrity deaths in particular have this effect. The surge of interest in them and their art after they pass. This sweeping increase in appreciation of them now that they are gone. I suppose it happens at funerals too, a person being appreciated in a way they weren’t in everyday life. It’s bigger--and in ways, easier—to feel and see their impact on our own lives, and the lives of all the other people that knew them after they die.
It puts things in perspective: we’re all going to die. Except that we already know that. So why can’t we have that perspective all the time? And if we did, how would go about our day, knowing that our life is going to end?
Our time is limited. This residence inside this body, thinking with this mind, loving the people we love, eating the food we eat, spending the day the way we just spent it—is our last chance to do so. Life is a wrapped gift that we carry all the way through the ride of our life. And inside the box is the journey itself.
Is there another perspective?
What is blocking us?
What is it we are longing to have?
What can we do to begin to connect with something greater than ourselves?
What do I need to have in order to trust?
10 INTERNAL VALIDATION
Opening to the Sacredness of the Everyday
Rituals can be formal, and they can be subtle. A handshake is a ritual, as much of one as preparing and visiting altars dedicated to one’s ancestors. A ritual is simply a sequence of words, actions, gestures, objects, or thoughts. I used to think that rituals were contained in religion, and one had to practice that religion to access the ritual, as a way to feel closer to the holy, the divine. Yet there are so many times I feel close to the divine outside of a church when I’m experiencing a heart-swelling feeling of love or the awe of tapping into something greater than myself. A child holding my face in their hands for a brief moment, then running away to play. Taking off my shoes to put my feet in the cold water at the beach. What makes something a ritual is awareness and intention. Just going through life is the mother ritual of all: a sequence of words, actions, gestures, objects, and thoughts as we move through it, and do so with intention.
What’s the secret?
How do I let go?
How do I know?
What do I do now?
What am I missing in how I see myself?
11 SEEING FEAR
Trusting Your Gifts
I once kneeled at the tomb of St. Catherine of Siena, sitting on the altar of the St. Maria Sopra Minerva Catholic church in Rome. I am not a practicing Catholic and did not know who St. Catherine was, but I was visiting the church and the nuns of the church’s convent invited me to take my turn at the single-human-spaced kneeler at the entrance to her tomb, so I did. As I knelt down and tucked my head under the outer protective wood and glass structure and bent my face toward my clasped hands, the already-quiet sounds from inside the church dropped away almost entirely. This was what some call a thin space, where the veils between dimensions are drifting and lifting. So I prayed. “Please tell me my purpose,” I asked. “What am I meant to do with my life?” Immediately, I heard an answer inside me. You don’t need to look, it said. Your purpose is already inside of you. Be patient. In time it will be revealed.
The following year, a quote on social media caught my eye: “Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire.” That’s it, I thought, remembering the message I received keeling on that altar as my eyes fell upon her name. The quote was from St. Catherine of Siena. One never knows where and how messages of wisdom come to us, but we must be open to receiving them.
What will help me connect to this part of myself?
How do I practice?
What am I afraid of?
What is next?
Where can I choose to go?
12 WHAT’S GOOD
Here I am, I am Here
There is perhaps no greater visceral feeling of sovereignty than waking up in the middle of the night alone. Some of the most vulnerable and tender moments of my life have taken place walking barefoot across a floor in the darkness. When I am awake and it seems the whole world is asleep, the intimate sensation of my footpad making contact with the hard, cool ground beneath me. No one sees me, hears me, or is expecting me. The things I’m longing for, am worried about, or need to do are whispers rather than expectations. I am here I think. I know I am because I can feel it. It’s just me, the floor….and something else: a presence of Divinity, of spirit. I stop, plant my feet on the floor, close my eyes, and take a breath. I am here, and I am grateful.